Why ?

It was a very hard time,
without you,
but I was waiting for you these two weeks.
When you were back again,
everything seemed to be alrighht.
But some how I noticed,
that something depressed you.
The whole time,
I only thought of you,
only dreamt of you.
The night,
I've waited long for that night,
you told me,
that you don't have time,
because you were tired.
That was strange, too.
After another 24 hours,
I picked you up,
to drive to our place.
But you didn't want to.
You only wanted to talk to me.
I asked -for fun- "about destiny ?"
There you started to cry,
and I knew what was going on.
Then you said,
that you have another guy.
I imagined our first night totally different.
I couldn't believe,
that it could happen to me.
The time before
was nothing but a nice dream.
And now,
I woke up.
In the two weeks,
in which you were seperated from me,
I suffered enough,
nothing worked,
I lost everywhere,
couldn't concentrate.
I didn't mind any rules,
broke every rule.
Late in that night,
after you told me
many things about him,
I brought you home.
Then I went to a pub,
where I got drunk.
When I was drunk,
the pain was not so strong anymore,
even when I hurt mx hand,
I didn't mind.
After a night without sleep,
I went at work,
where I wasn't with my thoughts.
The whole time I waited for a call from you.
But nothing happened.
Then I called you,
because I really had to see you.
Silent we drove through the night.
Everytime I looked into your eyes,
I had to swallow,
because thr uncertainity ate me.
I went to the place with you,
where I went in the two weeks,
in which you were away,
all alone,
to let the nice memories come back.
But yesterday, it was different.
I had the feeling,
that this time would never come back.
That made me sad.
Except that I couldn't change anything,
because it is your decision.
Even that eternal want and hope for a positive
or negative answer,
destroyed me more and more day by day.
I am getting more nervous,
from time to time,
even aggressive,
I am driving like a madman,
do just rubbish.
I don't know,
how long I can stand that.
At night
it is worst,
because then,
I don't have anyone,
who deverts me.
Therefore I go through the pubs,
where is no action.
I only to think of you,
wait for your answer and for that,
what will happen afterwards.
I ask myself,
why I did let you go.
But my trust in you was big.
Or was everything,
nothing but a game for you ?
If yes,
you were the best actress,
I've ever seen.
You ask me,
whether you can love two men in the same way.
No.
Because I want to be
- like you in my heart -
the only one in your heart,
and not devide that place
with a stranger,
because after a while,
it would be hell for me.
Even when you decide yourself for him,
you should know,
that then I will like you in the same way,
like now.
But I don't believe in it,
because he is so far away,
and I'm so near.
And you should ask yourself,
if such a meeting in holidays
is meant serously,
you know just for two weeks,
and me a bit longer and better,
I think.
We could have had another two great months,
before you go again.
And please tell me,
what you are separated from me for that long, long time.
What shall I do in the time,
in which I see you seldom in six months
or hear from you.
Why must it be,
that you leave me ?
What can make you stay ?
Who tells me,
how you are so far away ?
These are questions,
I think about now.
Maybe you can answer a few of them.
Why do I feel guilty,
when I don't have any reason for it.
In opposite,
I sould behave totally different,
but I can't.
The only thing,
that is great from you is,
that you were honest to me.
I think,
when I would have heared it
from another side,
I would have been down a lot faster.
You took so much from me.
my independence, my trust.
Please give me back a bit of it,
especially wheneverything is over.
MZ (tranl.:CS)

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